Friday, December 30, 2011
Day one.
When I was 14, I was an emotional girl. Every 14 year old girl is right? I would cry a lot, and I'm sure I was difficult to deal with too, right mom? Some other problems persisted, so we thought it would be best to talk to my doctor. He prescribed Zoloft. Depression is known in my family, and it can be hereditary. So here I am, 21 years old, still on this Zoloft. Why? Because it's in my system and I just never thought of going off it. Not because I wasn't happy, I just hated the feeling I got when I didn't take the medicine. For the most part, I have a great life. There's nothing I would really change, I am extremely happy! One of the reasons I am so content in life is Daniel. He suggested I go off it for more than a couple reasons. I contemplated it, and discussed with my mom and we decided it would be best. Although Zoloft helped me through my high school years, it had served its purpose. I have no reason to be on an anti-depressant right now. Who knows if it causes the problems I've been having, (ie, fatigue, unwillingness to do anything, sleeping hours upon hours)but reading up on it, it sounds like they could all be connected. I think after 8 years of being on, my body has became immune to it and just made me a robot. So I took my last pill about a week ago. I knew side effects were coming, but I didn't know what was going to happen and how uncontrollable they were. I have been feeling, for lack of a better word, zings in my body for a couple days. I feel dizzy, I am seeing spots, I just feel unusual. Which is normal. This is something that has been in my blood stream for 8 years! Before when I would feel this way, I would just pop a pill and everything would be better. I never thought of it as a drug, because I, myself, wasn't addicted. But i'm sure my body was. Being the reason why I am having side effects.
So I woke up this morning just not liking the world. Everything was making me mad, and nothing had even happened. I broke down in tears, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even my mom, which is a pretty big deal for me. I felt embarrassed. Here I was, hyperventilating for no reason. I honestly felt like the crazy psych people I check into the hospital. I couldn't help it. I was feeling very self concious about my body and my hair and everything. I was ridiculous! So I read up on more side effects of the withdrawal. It's normal. You get very emotional and you get all "zingy" and weird, but then one day you wake up and you are fine. Which makes me wish I did it earlier, like right when Daniel left, so he wouldn't have to see me like this. He knows I'm emotional already, and I explained to him what's going to happen in the next couple weeks. Then this morning I called him, told him I'm crazy and can't stop crying, and he comforted me, being the good boyfriend he is! He honestly makes me SO happy. I stopped crying right after that, just knowing he will stick with me through this hard time is amazing. He has my heart. Anyway. I had a sudden urge to work out after my crying attack, and I NEVER felt that when I was on the medication, all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and sleep. So I worked out, and I was happy. I figured I need to do that everyday I feel sad, or happy I guess! I also read Zoloft slowly makes you gain weight. UH HELLO! Why did I just barely find this out...I read somewhere that a lady lost 40 pounds after going off, without even trying. So I'm going to try to lose A LOT of weight, and I know it's going to be so much easier considering everything.

Anyway, basically I am writing this to tell everyone reading, if you are around me and I break down in tears, it's not my fault. If I am grumpy and saying I hate you, it's not me. It's my brain and my body trying to get back to normal, because I've been on an overpowering drug for 8 years. Please stick with me because I promise I am a nice person! Daniel, especially you, please bare with me through all this because I promise the years to come are going to be amazing :) There also might be a lot of blogging. It helps me vent. If anyone has any advice or anything on the subject, please comment, anything helps!