2 eyeballs are staring at me right now. They have been for the last hour, not wanting to close and just gazing at the darkness. I am tired. So tired. I realize my last post was about sleep, but I just needed to write more on it. I need to be honest and just write. This is not going to make a lot of sense. I am just babbling.
First off let me say, (I hope you already know this) I love my daughter so much. She is my whole entire life, my everything, my best friend. But being a mom is hard. I don't know why I have been blessed with a horrible sleeper. Maybe it's pay back for me sleeping my whole life away before she came. But it's hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Having her only want me is hard, and her not taking a bottle is hard. Because no matter how long her dad rocks her, or dances with her, or does anything with her, she needs me. And I am happy to obliged, but I am so tired. I don't even know why I bother to have her dad try to comfort her. He is just trying to be helpful, but in the long run she just wants me. I can't tell you how many times I have begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father, begging him to do something to get her to sleep. Even for an hour. And then I get upset that he's not answering my prayers, when it has nothing to do with him. I've cried out to my husband to help me in someway, but he can't do anything. He can't grow boobs and comfort her. I have no choice but to walk into her room as a zombie and put her back to sleep. 25 times a night. Not really but it seems like it. So many times I've made the decision I will not have anymore kids, that I will not breastfeed. But I will. I will have more kids and I will breastfeed them, but I will probably do a few things differently. I call my mom and tell her how my child did every morning. And when I tell her she woke up 7,000 times, I expect some sort of secret mom advice that only moms know on how to get her to sleep. But she doesn't have it. So many times I scream out and say I can't do it anymore, I'm done. But I keep doing it. Because I have to. I have no choice. I have to do it. I wish I had the answers. I wish someone could help. But I've tried it all and I've come to the realization that I will never sleep. That's what I signed up for when being a mom. I don't want to say "I'm not complaining" because that's exactly what I'm doing. Sometimes I just need to let it out, and I want other moms to know it's ok. I'm not saying anything bad. I'm not complaining of being a mom or anything...just the lack of sleep. And I know no one expects me to say "I love not sleeping!" But I love my baby and I will do anything for her. As I am doing.. I'm just so tired....her eyes are still stating at me.... After an hour and a half. But they sure are cute eyes.
I think all of us Moms struggle in one way or another. When I was pregnant, I was awfully sick and got severely anxious and even depressed. Not because I was having a baby, but because my body felt held hostage. I didn't feel like myself and that continued on for 6 months!
ReplyDeleteNow that she is here, and I feel better I know that it was all worth it. The lack of sleep will be too.
It doesn't stop there though. For me motherhood came a lot easier then I thought it would. Olivia sleeps through the night. She doesn't fuss very much. She's as cute as can be and I can hand her over to her dad or anyone for that matter for someone to feed her. It's been great!
That being said though, I go back to work in a week and that will be hard! Also, I'm kind of health freak, and I take pride in eating healthy and exercising, but even I as healthy as I am am very devastated that I know Ill have to start using formula to supplement. I know breast milk is the best thing for her, and Im really really sad that I can't give it to her 100%. I know it's not my fault, and that Im doing my best, but it still breaks my heart.
We all struggle, and we all have our own battles, but at the end of the day.. after having a miscarriage, I know just exactly how LUCKY we are for getting to have children. Not everyone does.
Love you.